Attack of the Crack Monkeys
by The Mr. Clean Alchemist
Summary: The crack monkeys have attacked! Yeah, it's a bunch of crack I wrote on a suger high! WOOOOO! Rated for some really, really STRANGE things.
1. Eds Tampon Quest

_Disclaimer: I don't own FMA._

_A/N: This is for my enjoyment and yours. I'm bored. I thought it would be funny if STRANGE THINGS started happening to ed. So ha. It's pure fun, no offense. Don't take this literally. AS I said before. I'm bored._

* * *

One day, young Edward Elric woke up and was about to take a shower when he noticed something...different about himself.

"Eeek! I got my period!" He shreiked.

Al heard him. "What the hell, brother? I thought you were a boy!" He yelled.

"So did I! But do you think I actually CHECKED?" Ed shouted back.

"WELL I WOULD HOPE YOU WOULD KNOW WHAT GENDER YOU WERE, BROTHER! Or is it sister!"

"You're really hurting my feelings, Alphonse!" Said Ed, who was starting to cry. Al sweatdropped.

"Brother is a...he-she?"

**2 hours later, in the womens bathroom...**

Ed was messing with the tampon machine, which kept eating his quaters and wouldn't give him anything, when Riza walked in and screamed.

"Edward! What are you doing in here?" She shouted, pulling out her gun and pointing it at him/her.

"Shh..." Ed said, motioning with his hands to make her be quiet. He stood close next to her and whispered,

"I'm on my period. Can I borrow a tampon?" He asked quietly.

"What! I thought you were a boy!" She said, backing away.

"That's what I thought too, but apparently not. So can I borrow one or am I supposed to bleed on everything and get my pants burnt off by Mustang?" Ed whispered sheepishly.

Riza rolled her eyes. "No. You can't. If you need one, you can HAVE it. I don't want it back." She said, throwing one at him from her pocket and darting into a stall before he could say anything else that she didn't want to know.

Ed went into the stall and did his buisiness, then stood under the tampon machine.

"I wonder what happened to all of my quarters, anyway?" He asked himself.

It was then that the biggest tampon avalanche of all time invoked itself upon Ed's head.

* * *

_A/N: god, that was fun to write. XD. And I'm not an Ed hater, so don't eat me._


	2. Envys Coffee High

_Disclaimer: I don't own FMA, but I do have a wall scroll and a DVD! D And I don't own Starbucks, but I do own...about 30 empty frappaccino bottles!_

* * *

Envy hated Pride. He was always the favorite. So one day, Envy decided to play an evil prank on him.

"Heh heh..." He snickered as he snuck into Pride/Bradleys office, disguised as Juliet Douglas. He spied a mug on the desk.

"HA HA! Now I shall have my revenge!" He said, running off with the mug.

Unfortunately, when Envy/Juliet was running through the halls and laughing insamely, he ran straight into Pride/Bradley.

"HA HA! I STOLE YOUR POWER JUICE AND YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BACK!" Envy shouted, turning back into his normal palmtree and drinking the entire contents of the mug.

"WTF! Envy, that's my coffee! Don't drink that! It's ultra-caffinated!" Pride shouted, but it was too late.

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Envy yelled, running around in circles, then running on the walls and the ceiling.

"Oh crap." Pride said, sweatdropping. "Father is going to kill me."

**

* * *

**  
**10 minutes later**

Envy ran out of the clothing store, dressed in womens lingerie and makeup. "WHERE ARE YOU RIZA MY DARLING!" He called, starry eyed.

Riza was hideing in a bush, panting and holding her gun tightly. "This is scarier than Ishvar..." She muttered to herself just as something heavy landed on her.

"I FOUND YOU!" Envy clung to her and she shot him in the eye. "You don't love me? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He yelled, falling to the ground as Riza ran away as fast as she could.

Envy walked, depressed, to the Starbucks across the street. He got stared at a lot, because who wouldn't get stared at if they were a man in womens lingerie and makeup in the middle of a Starbucks?

"Can I help you...sir...or is it Ma'am?" The person at the counter asked.

"Just give me 5 doubleshots." Envy muttered.

"Isn't that a little dangerous, sir?" The counterperson, whose name was Bob, said, lifting an eyebrow.

"I don't care." Envy said.

Bob sweatdroppd and gave him the five doubleshots, which Envy then opened and drank all at once. Shortly afterwards, he exploded all over Bob and the one other person who was in the starbucks, who had flies all over him and looked a little dead.

Pride looked in through a window. "I warned him..." He sighed. "Never drink coffee, kids!" He said, going back to his usual happy Bradley self.

* * *

_A/N: I don't really like how this one ended. R&R!_


	3. Eds Tampon Quest 2: The Reaction

_**Disclaimer: I don't own FMA, this is just making fun of edo, blah blah blah.**_

* * *

It was about nine thirty by the time Ed finally reported to Colonel Mustang's office. Riza was there, of course, and was converseing with Mustang on the many joys and uses of pie.

as soon as Ed entered the room, Riza hid behind Roy's chair and started clearing her throat loudly.

"Something wrong, Lieutenant?" A perky Edward asked the melting blob of Hawkeye.

Roy sweatdropped. "Hawkeye...I would appreciate it if you would get away from behind my chair...or at least just not melt on it."

"...Yes, sir."

"Good."

"I need estrogen!" Ed sqeaked. Roy sweatdropped and rolled to the other side of the room. Slowly.

"I think you might need your ADD pills, Fullmetal."

"ARE YOU SAYING THAT I'M PMSING?" Ed yelled at Royu-taisa (A/N: That's my nickname for Roy...Royu. ROYU-SAMA!).

"What the hell? Edward, you are a BOY. Get that in your short little head. MALE!" Roy cried out.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SMALL AND MANNISH?" Ed wailed.

"Taisa..." Riza began.

"Where's your Birth cirtifacate!" Roy demanded of Ed.

"I DON'T HAVE ONE!"

"WHY!"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

"GOOD REASON!"

"YEAH!"

"TAISA! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET YOU TO LOOK OVER HERE!" Riza shouted.

"Do you really want the answer to that question?" Hughes, who had apparently floated over to them without anybody noticeing, asked.

"what do you mean?" She said.

"Well, we both know Roy is a pervert."

"You know that he would love it if--"

"No. NO WAY. I am NOT doing THAT. Not even if you paid me. I'll just let him figure it out for himself."

"Figure out what?" Roy said, turning to Riza. She sweatdropped.

"That was a waste of time."

"What was?"

"Whatever."

"what did you want me to figure out, Hawkeye? Tell me, that's an order."

"That Edward is on...you know..." She bent down close to his ear. "THAT time of the month." She whispered.

"You're kidding, Right?"

"No."

"Oh God."

"I thought you were an atheist."

"...Oh, hell."

"ALRIGHT THEN. OH...DAMN-"

Riza shook her head.

"Uhhhh...Oh...codswallop?"

Riza shrugged.

"I CAN PROVE THAT I'M A GIRL!" Ed cried triumphantly, and pulled a tampon out of his pocket.

"First of all, I have no idea how that proves your gender. Second of all, where on EARTH did you get that?" Roy asked, aghast.

Ed pointed at Riza.

"Her."

Everyone in the office (of which there were three, not counting Riza herself) started at Riza, who then somehow melted into a puddle and sloshed over to roys feet.

_This must prove that...HAWKEYE IS FROM THE LAND OF THE ETERNAL PERIOD!_ Roy thought.

* * *

**_A/N: I'm a freak. And I know it._**


	4. DRUGS ARE BAD FOR ED

**_Disclaimer: I don't own FMA.

* * *

Once there was a boy named Edward who was on drugs. Crack, marijuana, pinecones, anything. He liked drugs a lot. So one day he went to his lover, CHARLIETHEMUTANTCACTUS! And asked if he could smoke him. But Charlie said no, so Edward curled into a little ball and died. But, since this is fanfiction, he magically came back to life through the power of the force._**

Then, Ari had a dream about dancing mushrooms. Ed smoked the mushrooms and got high. ISN'T THAT CUTE! O have mushrooms in my yard bec asue my yard be STANKY. But that is not the point. The point is...

I DREAM OF JEANNIE IS SEXY.

Last week, Edward got drunk and died. THE END


	5. You're not Riza

**_Disclaimer: I don't own FMA . you knew this._**

**_Warning. Spoilers...sorta

* * *

_**

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Godivachocolateonastick, there lived a pickle named George. Sadly, george was female. Godivachocolateonastick was a happy land of peace, prosperity, and strange odors.

Unfortuantely this story isn't about George, Godivachocolateonastick, OR refrigerators, so GET OVER IT! Damned electricians and your whinings about pea soup.

This story is about Edward ElnoIwasjustkidding. I lied. This is a tale of peace and love and MAGIC SQUIRRELS. This is the tale...

OF HOW ENVY CAME TO BE.

When a mother and a father love eatchother very much, they SCREW EACHOTHER. Then the fuglynotassexyasRiza mother has a fuglynotassexyasRiza baby and the fuglynotassexyasRiza baby gets mercury poisoning and dies. Then the HawtbutnotashawtasRiza father tries to bring it back to life and FAILS MISERABLE BECAUSE HE MAKES A SWEET TRANSVESTITE.

Then, father time comes out of nowhere and hits people with his magic fingers, then goes and gets pissed off at Brak so he explodes and time goes out of whack and EVERYONE DIES.

But then everything got fixed again because Envy is a whore. YAY FOR SHINEY WHORES!


	6. Milkshake

_**Disclaimer: Roses aren't blue, I hate Mary Sue, I don't own FMA, so SCREW YOU! MY BAND SUCKS!**_

_**Oh yeah. I also don't own the milkshake song. It belongs to…Kelis, right? XD**_

_**I know this fic doesn't make any sense. Shaddap. XD

* * *

**_

Roy's anxiety was building. He didn't remember ever being this nervous. Riza walked up behind him and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"It'll be alright, Sir. Just do what's in your heart." She said with a smile. He turned around and smiled at her.

"Thanks, Hawkeye." He said, his voice still shaking from his current lack of nerves. Then, he stood up and went to get into his proper outfit for what he was about to do.

One Hour Later 

"Mustang, you're on in five minutes." The stagehand said to Roy, reading something off of a clipboard and adjusting his glasses.

"Erm, thank you." He said, still nervous. He messed with his shoes for a moment, then with his shirt. It wasn't very comfortable, but he had to do it.

He heard his cue and walked onstage. But, when the music started playing, he felt like a completely different person.

_I can do this, _he thought, _I can do this!_

He opened his mouth and started to sing.

"_My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard,  
And they're like,_

_Its better than yours,  
Damn right its better than yours,  
I can teach you,  
But I have to charge _

My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard,  
And they're like,  
Its better than yours,  
Damn right its better than yours,  
I can teach you,  
But I have to charge

I know you want it,  
The thing that makes me,  
What the guys go crazy for.  
They lose their minds,  
The way I wind,  
I think its time

La la-la la la,  
Warm it up.  
La la-la la la,  
The boys are waiting

La la-la la la,  
Warm it up.  
La la-la la la,  
The boys are waiting

My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard,  
And they're like,  
Its better than yours,  
Damn right its better than yours,  
I can teach you,  
But I have to charge

My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard,  
And they're like,  
Its better than yours,  
Damn right its better than yours,  
I can teach you,  
But I have to charge

I can see youre on it,  
You want me to teach the  
Techniques that freaks these boys,  
It can't be bought,  
Just know, thieves get caught,  
Watch if your smart,

La la-la la la,  
Warm it up,  
La la-la la la,  
The boys are waiting,

La la-la la la,  
Warm it up,  
La la-la la la,  
The boys are waiting,

My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard,  
And they're like,  
Its better than yours,  
Damn right its better than yours,  
I can teach you,  
But I have to charge

My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard,  
And they're like,  
Its better than yours,  
Damn right its better than yours,  
I can teach you,  
But I have to charge

Once you get involved,  
Everyone will look this way-so,  
You must maintain your charm,  
Same time maintain your halo,  
Just get the perfect blend,  
Plus what you have within,  
Then next his eyes are squint,  
Then he's picked up your scent,

La la-la la la,  
Warm it up,  
La la-la la la,  
The boys are waiting

La la-la la la,  
Warm it up,  
La la-la la la,  
The boys are waiting

My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard,  
And they're like,  
Its better than yours,  
Damn right its better than yours,  
I can teach you,  
But I have to charge

_  
My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard,  
And they're like,  
Its better than yours,  
Damn right its better than yours,  
I can teach you,  
But I have to charge…"_

The music ended and Roy walked off the stage feeling like a new man. Or, as manly as one can feel in a sports bra and tight pleather pants.

* * *

The next day, Roy had a $500 bank note in his pocket.

"Damn…I can't believe he actually did it. Now I'm down $500…can anybody spare me some money for luch?" Havoc moaned from his desk.

"Ha. That'll teach you not to bet against…THE GREAT FLAME ALCHEMIST!" Roy said in triumph.

"Oh really…" Hughes said with a devilish smile.

"OH GOD NO-" Roy started, but it was too late. Hughes had already started going around the office giving all the people under Roy's command copies of….

"The colonel in a bra! PFFFTAHAHAHAHAHA!" Breda laughed until he cried. Soon enough, all of Central Headquarters was laughing at him.

…

We love you, Roy.


	7. A Day at the Pool

_**Disclaimer: I'm retarded. I'm not nearly smart enough to own FMA.

* * *

**_

It was a day. But not just any day….it was a HOT day. So, Roy decided to slack offa work and drag Riza along with him to the pool. Riza was pissed but she snuck some paperwork into her bathing suit because she didn't intend to go swimming anyways. Also, she knew that Roy just wanted to see her in a bathing suit and/or wet because Ari likes Royai.

When they got to the pool, everybody in the fricking world was there. The pool was hot with all the people in it, so Roy and Riza just squeezed into the only partially shady spot they could find around the pool and roy danced around like a retard commenting on how good he looked in a towel. Then armstrong came and showed off his excessive and disturbing muscels and everybody left the pool. Armstrong got empo so he went to have an affair with Breda.

Smiroking, Roy threw Riza into the pool before she could move. Then the paperwork cane out of her bathingsuit and Roy called her a stuffer. She still had nice boobs anyways so he was just making fun of her. Then everyone got sunburn and died of skin cancer.

* * *

**_I wrote this because my sunburn hurts._**


	8. The Day We Almost Got Jack Sparrow

**_Disclaimer: I don't own Pirates of the Carribean or FMA, but I do own Stiney (along with Takkie. Takkie owns Stiney too.). Armstrong owns his wig._**

**_

* * *

_**It was a dark and stormy night. The old man had a story to tell and this is the story the old man told.

Roy Mustang was sitting in his office, bored. Then suddenly, Jack Sparrow came to town with a box of Rum. Everyone under Roy's command had a party in the office and got stoned. Except Riza. Riza's too sexy to get stoned around other people. No, Ari leaves that to the angsty Royai fanfics. Edward Elric, the youngest member of Roy's 'Crew' as Jack put it, was perhaps the worst of all, seeing as he had had almost a whole bottle of the drink and it was his first time. He was to the point where he was making sexy hats out of peanuts and canola oil and running around screaming "I'M THE ALBATROSS!" And it was definately starting to embarrass Roy.

Almost worst than Ed was Breda. He has stripped down to his tight blue thong and was trying to gve everyone in sight a lap dance, even the men. He tried it on Hayate, but Riza moved the dog out of the way before Breda's fat ass squished him.

"And don't even get me STARTED on the price of tea in China..." Roy blithered. "It's crazy. Why can't they give us some of that butter? It's just...a wad of...BLEEEGGH!" And he threw up all over Captain Jack.

"NO! ME MUSTARD!" The pirate exclaimed, running around. "I'M ON FIRE! I'M ON FIRE!"

"FIRE! WHERE!" Havoc screeched. "DON'T WORRY HONEY! I'LL PROTECT YOU!" He said to his girlfriend, who was actually an armchair that Armstrong had conviently put his wig on. What you didn't know Armstrong wears a wig? You silly. Everyone knows that. Then, suddenly, a burning crack appeared in the middle of the office, pulling in desks, chairs, and even poor Falman.

"JEANIE!" Came a high, squeaky voice from the crack. Out popped a fat, hairy Elvis impersonator with glasses and 5 o'clock shadow. "I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME! I work my fingers to the bone being Satan's personal Elvis impersonator, and this is what I see? You with some...some...CHAIR WITH A WIG!" He burst into tears.

"What's wrong, Stiney darling?" Came a deep, evil voice. Next to the Elvis impersonator appeared Satan, dressed in his pink fluffy robe and high heels and smoking one of those long ciggarettes.

"Oh, nothing, Satan, just that JEANIEKINS IS CHEATING ON ME!"

"WHAT! Nobody cheats on my favorite sexy lumpkin!" Satan sent a beam of doom out from his mind and burned Jean and the chair to smithereens.

"NO! MY WIG! I HAVE NO REASON TO LIVE!" A very bald Armstrong said, jumping into the crack of hell and sobbing like an Emo. Then, Satan spotted Jack Sparrow.

"JACK SPARROW!"

"CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow!"

"I thought you were in the Carribean! What are you doing in the landlocked world of Fullmetal Alchemist?"

"THat's a good question."

"Well then come with me! We can get you BACK TO THE DAIRY FARM FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!"

"Really? Yay! I'm sick of hanging out with these bitches!"

"HORRAY FOR BITCHES!" What was left of Roy's crew said messily. Yes messily.

"Just let me get my rum."

"The rum is gone..." Kain Feury said.

"SDGSDLJLKFDGHSDLHJ! WHY IS THE RUM GONE!" Captain Jack Sparrow screeched.

"Because the sun is in the sky and my name is Hagoofanadada...STEP IN TIME STEP IN TIME STEP IN TIME STEP IN TIME" Ed said, dancing around the room with Hayate.

"Oh well. At least I save a to of money on my ship insurance by switching to Petco, where the pets go! Mr. Gibbs will be hella happy now. D" And with that, JAck jumped into hell wiht Satan and Stiney (who was now an Emo elvis impersonator), and was never heard from in the FMA world again. But they still say, on blurry nights, when the sky is round and warm, you can still see a chain smoker, A chair, and an elvis impersonator having a threesome.


End file.
